More specifically, I am sick of people who complain about the heat.
Even more specifically, I am sick of people that make stupid comments about the heat like that's going to help anything.
Recently, we have had a heat wave here in New England, and I have had enough. Now, I understand that it is childish to think that something can be done about the heat. I also understand that everyone talking about it doesn't change that fact that it's hot as fuck out there. I am told it was much cooler back in the '30s. Although old people don't complain as much because they're usually cold anyway. About every third person who comes into my store will inform me how lucky I am to be in here working. You know, lucky to be drenched in sweat from humping merchandise up and down a ladder, but at least I'm not outside. I guess that's true. It's not like I'm laying hot tar in the noon day sun, but I'm still hot and sweaty. People forget that you can get used to the air conditioning. And, yes, I'm not outside, but I am still at work, and it is painful to think that I'm lucky I have to work today. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy to have a job and I am glad I earn a living. I just don't want to be reminded of how lucky I am to be here today. It's not like I couldn't think of doing something else. Still, it's better than hearing:
"Hot enough for ya?"
No, motherfucker, I was hoping it got just a little warmer out there, I was hoping to split the atom in my parking lot today. Still, there are some people who revel in the fact that you can fry an egg on the dashboard of your car. Let's start with my favorite - the TV news people. In particular, Charlie the weatherman. Now Charlie is a composite, fictional character who represents all the meteorologists (men and women) on the news who only have to be right 30% of the time. I hate Charlie. I wish I only had to be right 30% of the time. Imagine being able to go to your boss and say you only got the monthly sales figures 30% right and hear "great job"? No, you'd be sitting in a disciplinary meeting and wishing you had studied meteorology instead of business. Charlie is aided and abetted by the anchor people who think the weather is just hilarious. What the fuck are you laughing about? They lead out of a tragic news story then look into the camera because we're about to cut to the weather, crack a smile, a small chuckle, and say something like,
"Well, its sure is hot out there today Charlie."
No fucking kidding! Did you learn that in journalism class? Just cut to the weather, don't make a comment, don't try to be glib, just tell us the weather! Or how about when they, jokingly, blame Charlie for the heat?
"Boy Charlie, you sure did give us a hot one today."
Like he turned up the thermostat. We don't care that you're all a big happy family sitting there in your temperature-controlled environment where your minions fetch you an Iced Soy Mocha Double Half-Caff when you snap your fingers! Were sweating balls out here! The other day, it hit 94 degrees outside. The teaser forecast came on with this line:
"Some relief from the heat. I'll tell you more at 11."
Finally, some relief. I tuned in like everyone else hoping to hear that the heat wave had ended. The news was less than stellar. Although my hopes were high, and the teaser was true that it was not going to be 94 again, I was hit with this pisser-offer:
"No more 90 degree weather, we should see a low tomorrow of 89."
A LOW! Which means there could be a high much higher than 89. Fuck you, Charlie, you double-talking bastard! How dare you get my hopes up. I would have kicked the TV in if it weren't so hot. You just got lucky pal. Which leads me to the conclusion of my rejoinder. I wrote this today because we are finally starting to see a break in the heat. Today I was able to shut off my air conditioner and open a window without fear of suffocating from the onslaught of heat pouring in. Of course someone at the electric company cried a little, but that is for another day. I poured my morning coffee feeling not so terrible and turned on the news. There were the weekend people, telling horrible news stories of tragedy and then chuckling as they headed over to the weather. Charlie smiled and looked into the camera to tell us that the heat had, indeed, come down today. But then, ever so suddenly, his smile went away. He looked strongly at the camera. A stern look overcame his face. I knew he was talking to me when he said:
"But will it last?"
I hate you Charlie.
