and the truth shall set you free...

From a very early age, we are told to always tell the truth.  We learn from our family, our schooling, our faith, our society; telling the truth is the right thing to do.  I understand that a small, dishonest statement to save someone's feelings is sometimes in order.  Let's face it, there is no honest answer for: "Does this make me look fat?" Overall, however, honesty is the best policy.  But, sometimes, just sometimes, people just decide not to tell the truth.  Do you know who those people are? 

People who want to return something.

Not everyone, mind you.  No, just the assholes who are done using something and have decided to return it for a full refund because they are done with it.  Now, I'm not talking about the people who have no receipt and are trying to find a way to get an exchange for an item I don't sell because they think they are entitled to one.  Nor am I talking about the people who just stole something off my sales floor and are trying to return it like they bought it honestly.  No, those two groups of fucktards are way different than the liars I'm talking of.  The people I have in mind have their receipt, have the box, have even repackaged the product.  However, instead of saying that they just don't want their glorious purchase, or admitting they have buyer's remorse, they feel compelled to make up some bullshit story about why they need to return it.  Or, better yet, that they never even used it!  Let's start with this one:

Her:  "I need to return this coffeemaker."

Me:  "Ok, miss, is there anything wrong with it?"

Her:  "No, I never even opened it."

Me:  "You didn't open it?"  Noticing the box clearly has been opened.

Her:  "No, see, here's my receipt."  She starts to get anxious...this'll be fun.

Me:  "No problem, miss, I just need to check it."

Her:  "For what? I told you I didn't even open it."  She gets a little more nervous.

Me:  "I just need to make sure everything is correct. You understand don't you?"  I start to open the box.

Her:  "No, I don't understand.  I told you I DIDN'T open it!"  Right about now she's acting like the guy in the movie MIDNIGHT EXPRESS just before they find the dope on him.

And this is why:  As I open the box, there is still coffee residue in the carafe and the box completely reeks of coffee.  Not to mention it's wet.

Me:  "Oh, I'm sorry miss, this appears to have been used." 

Her:  "What?  Oh, my husband must've used it without telling me!"  Of course he did.


You know what would have made this transaction a lot easier?  Telling the truth.  I mean, if she had just come up the counter and said, "I don't like this, can I have my money back?"  I wouldn't have even batted an eyelash.  I seriously do not care if or why you want to return something.  I do care that you think I'm an idiot who won't see through your thinly-veiled attempt to make me think it is somehow my fault that you no longer want your item. 

It's bad enough that people feel they need to lie about something they want to return, but it is downright deplorable the stories they make up so that they can get a discount.  There are all kinds of legitimate ways to get a discount.  Coupons are the easiest.  Lots of people clip coupons and use them to save a little scratch.  Little effort; big reward.  Think about it, knowing how to use a pair of scissors (real scissors, mind you, not those left handed fuckers with the green plastic on them) can keep money in your pocket.  Shopping for items on sale is another great way to save some money.  Forget scissors, the only skill you need to accomplish this is knowing how to read.

But, there is a large group of people who frequent retail establishments who neither have the wherewithal to read or the manual dexterity to clip coupons.  No, their great skill is being a total asshole and just asking you for money off a regular priced item.  I'm not talking about the people who want to offer you two live chickens and some bits of string in exchange for goods and services.  No, those people are different.  I'm talking about the people who want to lie to you and hope that you believe their bullshit story so that they can get a huge discount on their purchase.  I like to call these people "the discounters" because I like to discount their story (see what I did there?).  There are many retailers who offer discounts.  Senior citizen discounts, military discounts, student discounts, club member discounts, the list goes on and on.  The discounters, however, do not qualify for any regularly advertised discount.  Instead, they make up a discount and expect you to adhere to it because why shouldn't I drop the price by 80% just because you say so.  I have heard people ask for lots of discounts in my day, but I will tell you about the three best, ever.


1.  I have cancer.

Her:  "Hi, I know this is awkward, but I have stage 3 cancer and my medicine is very expensive, so is there any way I could get a discount on my purchase?"

Okay, pull at the heartstring.  I get it.  And, I might have been inclined to acquiesces and give her a discount if she hadn't been buying a set of golf clubs and balls, three new designer golf shirts and various other items.  It takes some serious stones to make up something like that

Me:  "Unfortunately, ma'am, I don't offer a discount like that."  I can tell that isn't going to go over well.

Her:  "Well, I wanted to get some things for my husband, but I guess I won't now!"  Yeah, I'm sure your husband would've loved the new ladies Under Armor shirts, I hear they support the bust pretty well.

I know what you're thinking:  how do you know she was lying?  I don't.  But based on the evidence given to me, I'm going with that it was a lie.  Besides, I hope to God that someone with stage 3 cancer would have more morals than to ask for a discount on her new golf clubs.



2.  I'm a tourist.

Him:  "Hi, I'm traveling from outside the country and I'd like my tourist discount please."

What in the fuck is a tourist discount?

Me:  ?

This one actually happened to a coworker of mine.  She very politely told him that we don't offer a military discount to our own citizens, so why would we offer a tourist discount to someone from abroad?  I'll just go back to the above statement:

What in the fuck is a tourist discount?



And, finally, we come to the best one of all.  This one is 100% true and I have a witness to it.  So get ready for:

3.  I'm retarded.

Her:  "I need a scale, but they cost so much.  Which are the cheapest?"

Me:  "Well, I have several that start at $20."

Her:  "Do you have any for around $5?"

Me:  "Unfortunately, I don't.  The least expensive ones that I have are $20."

Her:  "Well, could I get one for $5 because I don't have much money and I have the mental retardation."

Yup, you read it.  THE MENTAL RETARDATION.  That's exactly what she called it and she was very sincere.

Me:  "I'm sorry miss, I can't give a discount for something like that."  I really wasn't sure what to say.

Her:  "Are you sure, because I have the mental retardation."  Again with that phrase.  At that moment one of my associates came by and I quickly pitched the customer to her.

Me:  "I'm sure but Julie here will be happy to help you find one of the scales I spoke about."  Julie had heard the conversation and looked at me like I just stuck a needle in her eye.  Luckily, the customer decided to leave on a high note.

Her:  "That's ok, thank you anyway.  God bless.  GOD BLESS YOU!"


God has truly blessed me.

God gave me a job in retail.

This ain't Chuk E Cheese you know

You should never bring a kid shopping.

Let me clarify this: you should never bring a kid shopping if either your kid or yourself is an asshole.  By, "asshole kid", I mean the kind of kid that runs around my store screaming that they want something, need something, have to pee, or just plain scream.  And, by default, if you have an "asshole kid", you are usually an "asshole parent".  That is the parent who ignores asshole kid while they yell and scream and knock down expensive items causing them to crash to the ground.  To make things easier, we will, heretofore, refer to these two groups as AK and AP. 

We all know who the AK is right?  It's the kid that is constantly away from their parent,  yelling, screaming, and knocking stuff down.  They pick up product and drop it to the floor.  They open packages like they own them.  They spill their little snack or drink cup all over the place.  They climb all over the fixtures.  If there are two of them together (please, God, no) they play hide and seek all throughout the store.  They annoy other customers by being precocious and feeling the need to talk to them and ask them questions like they're long lost friends.  Have I missed anything?  You get the idea.  I understand if this sounds harsh, but I have seen way too much of this in my years as a retailer.  And, please, don't get offended if your kid has run around yelling and screaming and I look at you with disdain.  I know that all kids can be unruly at one time or another.  I have sympathy that for the fact that, once in a while, kids get out of hand.  Hey, shit happens.  That doesn't, necessarily, put you in the AP category.  No, you hit the AP category when you ALLOW your AK to run, scream, throw, break, destroy, rape and pillage my store, all while you continue to shop as though they weren't there. 

Do you know what will put you higher on the AP list?  Losing your child in my store and blaming them when they can't find you.  They're children for Christsake, it's your job to watch them not theirs.  It sure as hell isn't mine.  I have worked in a multitude of different retail establishments and a child has gotten lost in almost every one of them.  The majority of parents are really concerned when a child is lost.  It is a very scary situation.  But guess who isn't all that concerned.  That's right, the AP.  They let their kid wander away in a 52,000 square foot store and have no clue or care where they are.  Most of these kids are young (under 6).  Why not just put a sign on them that says "steal me"?  These are the kids who, eventually, can't find their AP and get scared.  Often, another customer will find them and flag me down.  It then becomes my responsibility to find the AP.  Often the response goes like this:

AP:  "I told you not to wander away."

Kid:  (Begins to cry) "I'm sorry."

AP:  "You should be, what if someone had taken you?  Now stop crying, Mommy wants to look at new yoga pants."

Really??!  That's your takeaway from this?  It's the kid's fault that you're a neglectful pile of amphibian shit.  Great life lesson for the kid:  Just ignore your responsibilities and when someone else takes charge pass the blame so that you look like the hero.  Overall, however, the AP and the AK are two separate entities.  It's when the AP has an AK in tow that the real trouble can start.  You see, an AK can be unruly and troublesome, but when they have an AP this is a pair that can beat a full house any day.  It usually starts with the AK taking off and running through the store knocking things down.  Then, the AK manages to get out of eyeshot from the AP.  The AP then continues shopping, but shouts the name of the AK to come back, even though the AK has no intention of returning, and the AP could give a fuck if he does.  The two of them just continue to shout and scream and shout and scream and shout and scream.

On the other hand, I could take the shouting and screaming.  I could put up with the broken product and almost-missing child.  I could get over all of it, as long as there were no....bodily function malfunctions.  You see, if have been in several situations where an AP has an AK who has just juiced up on three cans of Mountain Dew and a giant-sized Kit Kat bar, when they realize that they need to pee.  The kid will start jumping around and making all kinds of noise about needing a bathroom before the AP decides to acknowledge it.  The response usually comes like this:

AP:  (continuing to shop)  "Do you need the bathroom?"

AK:  "YYYYEEEESSS!!!!"

AP:  "Well can you wait until we come around this aisle, I just want to look at something."

MOTHERFUCKER!  This kid is about to wet his pants and you want to continue to shop.  Take him to the Goddamn bathroom, I assure you the same stuff will be here when you get out.  But, no, you continue to shop and little Johnny sonofabitch pisses himself right in the middle of my store.  Now, not only do we have to clean the store, we have to clean up pee.  Thank you, thank you so much.

But that is still not the bottom of the abyss of neglectful parenting.  No, I have one more delightful anecdote to relay to you.  It will never cease to amaze me that, sometimes, people confuse a dressing room with a toilet.  I understand that we all have to go, but really, in a dressing room?  And, I'm not talking about pee.  No sir, that would be too easy.  Yes, people (I am assuming children because the alternative is just painful) have pooped in a dressing room in my store.  This has happened three times in my career.  Three times too many by my count.  And, I don't understand what people were thinking.  I mean, when you sat on that little bench, there was no hole in it.  Where did you think the poop was going to go?  I understand the two dogpiles I have found in the corner, but on the bench?  That is just too much for me. 

So if you're an AP, don't bring your kid shopping.  If you have an AK, please leave them at home.  If you are the AP of an AK, stay way the fuck out of my store.  And, if you have to poop, find a toilet, not a dressing room.

That is all...