It s a great time to be together with family. It is the perfect time to be grateful for all that we have. It lets us reflect on everything around us. We gather together. We enjoy a wonderful meal. We share laughs and stories. We remember all those who have gone before us. We look forward to the Christmas season and we prepare for holiday shopping in hopes of bringing joy to each other. In short, it brings out the best in all of us. Yes, Thanksgiving is a great time of year.
But the couple days before it...oy!
You see, those couple days before the great holiday bring out all the panic stricken people who are preparing a great Thanksgiving feast but have left all the details until the last possible minute. These people come stumbling into my store hoping, praying, that I will be able to solve all of their problems with a simple wave of my hand. And the questions they have are fantastic. Now, admittedly, it is often men who come in at the last moment for purchases, but, to be fair, they are often sent in by their wives. Some of the best questions come from husbands who don't know a roasting rack from a hat rack, and quite frankly, wouldn't know what to do with either.
Him: "Can you help me, I need a tablecloth."
Me: "Okay, what size?"
Him: (Blankly) "Ummmm...size..ummm..." I can almost read his mind: Size? Tables have sizes?
Me: "It's ok, how many people sit at your table?"
Him: "What do you mean?" I thought that was easy, but guess not.
Me: "I mean, when you sit at the table, how many people are there with you?"
Him: "Oh, I get it. Let's see one at each end and two on each side, so about 6 or 7." Actually it's exactly 6 but I know that new math is tough.
Me: "Ok, six. You need a 60"x84" to cover your table. Does your table have a leaf?"
Him: Leaf? Tables have leaves? "Ummm....leaf...ummm..."
Me: "No problem, if you don't know you probably aren't going to use it."
Him: "Are you sure?"
Me: "I'm not sure since you haven't invited me to dinner."
Him: "No, I mean about the size? What if you're wrong?"
Me: "Do you think I'm wrong?"
Him: "Ummm..."
Me: "Did your wife send you here for a tablecloth?"
Him: "...yes... "
Me: "Then get that one; go home and be happy. Trust me."
Him: "...okay..."
Sometimes, the stress of last minute buying can be too much for some people. Often it is like a therapy session that they need to get out all of their frustration they've had up to the moment when they walked into the store. And, please God, I have better have the item they need or they will turn on a dime and spit venom at me like I was the worst person since Hitler. You know, if Hitler sold wares and do-dads.
It's not their fault, however, sometimes it's just a case of something else going on in their lives. I know that these people aren't mad at me, I just happen to be in front of them when the have decided to let go of everything. Often, people are having a problem with a situation and they haven't found a way to let go of it. Then they come into my store and they find me. I am the vessel that they can expel all of their frustration into and walk away feeling calmer because their trouble has been told to someone, anyone, besides the person with whom they are actually having the problem. The following is one of those situations:
Him: "Hey, I'm looking for that thing you had in your ad a couple of weeks ago."
Me: "Okay, which item was it?"
Him: "You know, it was on the second or third page." Oh, that item, why didn't you say so.
Me: "Gonna have to narrow it down for me, sir."
Him: "I don't know, my wife wants it." Of course, and since I read minds I know what it is.
Me: "Let's get a copy of the ad and we can look."
Him: (Looking at the ad): "That's it right there." Great, time for the bad news.
Me: "I'm sorry, sir, we've been sold out of that for about a week, but we'll be getting more next week. I guessing you probably needed it today."
Him: "Oh, come on! (he takes a huge breath and his catharsis begins) My wife sent me here to get this thing for her and couldn't get here last week because I had other things to do but I told her I would get it as soon as I could get there and I told her she should just go because I wasn't sure when that would be but she insisted I should go because I work closer to here than she does and she's always doing this to me and I hate going to these places because I never know where anything is and I never get the right thing and then she makes me bring it back and this just sucks it all goes back to this one time when I was supposed to get something and I got the wrong thing and she never lets me forget it so now she makes me get things for her all the time her makeup her tampons her everything I swear she just has it out for me ever since that one time and now I'm here and you don't have what I want and this just sucks!" (exhales)
Me: ".....I'm sorry?" for ever even having made eye contact with you
Him: "Oh, it doesn't matter." really? because it sounded like it mattered a lot!
Him: "No, I'll go somewhere else. Thanks anyway."
Me: "...you're welcome?"
But the best are just the random, bizarre questions that arise. The kind of questions that truly are idiotic because fear and panic has wiped the mind clean of rational thought. Those are the best.
Her: "Which of these shades will fit my lamp?"
Me: "Which lamp did you choose?"
Her: "No, the one I have at home."
Me: "Well, what does it take now a harp or a post."
Her: "I don't know."
Me: "I kinda need to know which kind so I can make a recommendation."
Her: "It's a white one." Oh, you should've led with that.
Or this one:
Her: "I need a cooker for my turkey." Roasting pan/cooker...whatever
Me: "Great, what size turkey?"
Her: "I haven't bought it yet."
Me: "No problem, what size are you thinking of getting?"
Her: "A big one." You're right, big is a size.
Me: "I meant how many pounds."
Her: "I don't know...maybe...35."
Me: "Ok, well, I have some large roasters that can accommodate that." (I show her the pans)
Her: "And this whole thing fits in the microwave?"
....oh, we have some work to do
