I solve problems

Shopping can be a great form of therapy for some people.

I know, at times, I can sound a little gruff about what I do for a living.  But, the truth of the matter is that I really enjoy what I do.  It can be very rewarding knowing that I have helped someone find that last minute item they need as a gift for their significant other.  Or, when Great Aunt Petunia comes in to get a wedding gift for her sweet nephew, Martin Q. Twinkledink, and is thrilled and delighted to know that she will be giving him exactly what makes him happy.  Yes, when I can help people like this, it truly is a rewarding experience.  People are happy and they feel as though a great weight has been lifted from them.  The therapy I provide by taking their money in exchange for goods and services is better than any Prozac that can prescribed by a doctor.  Truly, Shopping can be a great form a therapy.

But some people take that therapy too far.

Oh, come on, you didn't think I was going to spin a yarn that was all sunshine and lollipops coming out of my asshole did you?  No, there are plenty of people that feel like they're spending an hour on the couch telling me about al their life's problems that have led up to the moment when they walked into the store.  And, please God, I'd better have the item they need or they will turn on a dime and spit venom at me like I was the worst person since Hitler.  You know, if  Hitler sold wares and do-dads.

It's not their fault, however, sometimes it's just a case of something else going on in their lives.  I know that these people aren't mad at me, I just happen to be in front of them when the have decided to let go of everything. Often, people are having a problem with a situation and they haven't found a way to let go of it.  Then they come into my store and they find me.  I am the vessel that they can expel all of their frustration into and walk away feeling calmer because their trouble has been told to someone, anyone, besides the person with whom they are actually having the problem.  The following is one of those situations:


Him:  "Hey, I'm looking for that thing you had in your ad a couple of weeks ago."

Me: "Okay, which item was it?"

Him: "You know, it was on the second or third page."  Oh, that item, why didn't you say so.

Me: "Gonna have to narrow it down for me, sir."

Him: "I don't know, my wife wants it."  Of course, and since I read minds I know what it is.

Me: "Let's get a copy of the ad and we can look."

Him: (Looking at the ad): "That's it right there." Great, time for the bad news.

Me: "I'm sorry, sir, we've been sold out of that for about a week, but we'll be getting more next week."

Him: "Oh, come on! (he takes a huge breath and his catharsis begins)  My wife sent me here to get this thing for her and  couldn't get here last week because I had other things to do but I told her I would get it as soon as I could get there and I told her she should just go because I wasn't sure when that would be but she insisted I should go because I work closer to here than she does and she's always doing this to me and I hate going to these places because I never know where anything is and I never get the right thing and then she makes me bring it back and this just sucks it all goes back to this one time when I was supposed to get something and I got the wrong thing and she never lets me forget it so now she makes me get things for her all the time her makeup her tampons her everything I swear she just has it out for me ever since that one time and now I'm here and you don't have what I want and this just sucks!" (exhales)

Me:  ".....I'm sorry?" (for ever even having made eye contact with you)

Him: "Oh, it doesn't matter."  (really? because it sounded like it mattered a lot!) 

Me: "Are you sure?  I can check another store for you."

Him: "It's no problem I'll come back next week."

That was just an instance when someone needed to let someone anyone, know how frustrated he was at that moment.  Sad to say it was me, but, hey, I'm glad to help.  Because that's what  do; I solve problems.  I don't want to. t's not in the job description.  I don't get paid extra for it.  But, it'd what I do.

There are some occasions when people are feeling downright mean-spirited.  Those are people I don't want to help.  For whatever reason, they feel it is their duty to make someone feel bad or insecure so that they can feel better about themselves.  I don't ever want to help these people, but I do enjoy putting them in their place when I can.  The therapy these people get is a good dose of reality.

One such person tumbled into my store one night.  I as wearing a bright, pink shirt, and this character decided it would be enjoyable to poke fun at that.  As he asked me questions about new bedding, he threw in names like "cupcake" and "sweetie" all the time chuckling to the girl that was with him.  This went on for a little while until I decided to solve the problem in my own way:

Him:  "You know, cupcake, that's a nice pink shirt you're wearing."

Me:  "Yup."

Him:  "I was wondering, what kind of guy wears a pink shirt?  I mean what "guy" wears a pink shirt?"  (ok, time to solve the problem)

Me: "I don't know.  Maybe the kind of guy who helplessly watched his 26-year old wife die of breast cancer.  Yeah, that's the guy."

Him:  (recoiling in horror at what he had just heard) "Oh, man, I...I didn't know..."

Me:  "And that makes it ok.  So, let's find that bed you need."

Now, my wife is alive and well.  And, I don't wish to make light of the nightmare that is cancer.  However, where therapy is concerned, there are some unorthodox methods which must be employed.  Hey, I solve problems, but that still wasn't as bad as the woman who had a 3-year-old in her cart when I was putting some items on a shelf further down the aisle.

Kid: "What's he doing, mommy?"

Mother:  "He's stocking shelves."

Kid: "Why's he doing that?"

Mother:  "Because he didn't go to college."

I needed therapy after hearing that.



Sometimes, however, it's my employees who need therapy.  Truth be told, our job (like many others)  has it's own unique set of challenges and stress.  So when an employee comes to me and feels stressed, it is my job to help them through a rough situation.  I become a counselor, teacher, friend, comrade and protector all at once.  It's a role I'm very comfortable with, especially when it means my staff is happy.  When I can't help them is when they do something really, really, really dumb.

A new cashier was on her first shift on register.  After her shift, it was found hat she was $16 short.  A little research was done and it seemed that all of her cash transactions were for exact amounts.  What this means is the if the bill came to $45.67, she entered that the customer gave her $45.67 exactly.  This happened in several transactions.  Very odd.  First we went back over her training.  Check.  Training was completed and she passed.  Next comes the questioning.

Me:  "So, you had all the training and you did good at it, right?"

Her: "Yes."

Me:  "So, here's my question:  when you tendered for cash did you give back any change?"  (normally, you enter the amount the customer hands you and through the wonders of science, the register will tell you how much change they receive.  It's like magic.)

Her:  "Yeah, I gave back lots of change."

Me:  "Ok, but looking at your journal, every cash transaction was for an exact amount.  So, how did you give back change?"

Her:  (looking rather sheepish)  "Well, I'm not really that good at math, and I couldn't finds a calculator, soooo...."

Me: "Soooo...."

Her:  "So I asked the customer how much change they should get back."



I solve problems...I can't solve stupid.



Oh, You're 'That Customer'

I have met my fair share of people.

Those of you who follow me know my background.  I've been in the retail industry for a long time.  I've sold such an array of wares and do-dads that it hardly bears repeating.  I've dealt with all kinds of upset people.  I've dealt with a bevy stupid people.  I've had stellar employees.  I've had employees that I'd like to hold underwater until the bubbles stop.  I've seen a vast array of people come through my multitude of doors.  Yes, I have met my fair share of people.

There is, however, one group of people that never cease to amaze me.  Now, you might be trying to jump the gun and figure out the select group that I'm going to discuss. You've read my rants and followed my threads.  You think you know me pretty good.  So who is it?  Is it the huge group of old people that come into my stores?  No.  Is it people who demand discounts because they feel a sense of entitlement?  No.  Is it people who just want to be upset because life has been unfair to them and they want to take it out on me?  No.  No, this group of people is different.  This is a group of people who should know better.  This group of people are those who have already worked in the retail industry.

What's that?  You say, How could you be mad at people who have shared your pain?  I'll tell you how, because these are people that have been in my situation, complained about the same stupid customers I have, ranted to their friends about all the same struggles I have, but continue to be that customer that reaches deep into me and crushes my very hope for humanity.  Yes, even though they purport to be just like me and have suffered through my journey, they have become the very thing they have told everyone they don't like.

Twenty minutes past closing:

Her:  "Am I the last customer?  I'm sorry, I lost track of time."  Of course you did, we only made 2 closing announcements so far.

Me:  "No problem.  Are you ready to check out?"  This should actually be:  You ARE ready to check out.

Her:  "Yes, I'm sorry.  I hate to be 'that shopper' that keeps you here late.  I've worked in retail, too, I know what it's like."  And that makes it OK, right?

Me:  "That's ok miss, let's get you rung up."  Trying to maintain my fake smile is getting tough.

Her:  "You know, I just wanna pop over real quick to get one more thing.  I won't be long, like I said, I've worked in retail and I don't want to be 'that customer.' we always talk about"  Then why are you?


It's true, no one wants be 'that customer', but the reality of it is that you are being 'that customer' by doing the things you do.  If you truly were sympathetic for my plight, you would keep me way past my closing time.  So that you know, saying something like 'I've worked in retail too' is not a password gets you special privileges.  If anything, it gets you an even bigger dose of my anger because you should know better.  But, that is just a small example.  There is subset of those who have 'worked in retail'.  These are people who feel that they know all the ins ad outs of my business like they've worked here for fifty-odd years and can coerce me into making them a deal or doing something special because they've 'worked in retail.'


Trying to close a sale on a set of golf clubs:

Him:  "So listen,  I'd like to buy two sets of these clubs for each of my kids."

Me:  "Great, let me bring them up front for you."

Him:  "Wait a minute.  How much of a discount are you going to give me?"  Discount?  For what?  Are you a tourist?

Me:  "What discount are you asking about, sir?"

Him:  "Uh, I'm buying two sets, so I should get a discount for a bulk sale." 

Sidebar:  For those of you that don't know, once in a while a bulk discount is given when someone makes a special order for a large amount of a particular item.  However, this guy thought the word 'bulk' was very subjective and applied to two items.  My idea of 'bulk' would be no less that 50 items of this caliber.  Let's continue.

Me:  "I'm sorry, sir, a bulk discount would apply to a much larger quantity of the same item, not just two pieces."

Him:  "Don't give me that.  I've worked in retail, I know you can make a better deal than this."  Oh, you've worked in retail?  What'd you do bag groceries when you were fourteen?  It surely wasn't sales or you'd know what 'bulk' meant.

Me:  "Again, sir, there is no discount for buying two of the same item."

Him:  "I can't believe that!  When I worked retail we gave discounts all time to hard working people like me. It was called 'closing the sale.'  Now what are you going to do?"  What am I gonna do?  Probably laugh to myself that the retailer you worked for is probably out of business because they gave out discounts.

Me:  "Tell you what, I'll give you a free plastic bag to carry your other items home."  What am I gonna do?  Give you the sharp side of my tongue, that's what.


That brings us to the final subset of people who feel entitled because they have worked in retail.  These are people who haven't actually worked in the business, but know someone who has.  These are my favorites.  They have the entire industry summed up because they are married to, or related to or have met someone who has worked in retail.  Not that those people they know have done anything special.  They haven't created a career of more than twenty years in the industry.  They haven't worked ten hours days trying to satisfy people who can't be satisfied.  No, they could have been a cashier, or a grocery bagger, or a janitor, but they've 'worked in retail' so, therefore, what they have told their friend is the way things go.  I can't blame people for thinking they have an in simply because they know someone who has worked in my field.  Their friends have led them to believe that this is true.  And, those same friends have told them that if they raise a fuss they can get exactly what they want.  Those conversations usually go like this:

3 days before Christmas.  I get called to the front for a customer who wants to see a manager.

Her:  "I've been waiting for ten minutes to get some help."

Me:  "I'm sorry for the wait miss, what can I do for you?"

Her:  "My time is very valuable, and I've been waiting quite a while."  Waiting.  Got it.

Me:  "I'm sorry for the wait miss, what can I do for you?"

Her:  "I don't think you understand.  I've been waiting for some help!"  No, I understand, I just don't care.

Me:  "Again, I'm sorry miss.  It's very busy today, what can I do for you?"

Her:  "I can appreciate that you're busy because my husband..." fuck me, here it comes "...works in retail and his store would not make customers wait this long for help."  I'm sure your husband's store is much nicer than mine.  Why don't you go shop there?

Me:  "I apologize, miss.  It's very busy and I am here to help you now, so what can I do for you?"

Her:  "Do you have any extra flyers with the coupons in them?  I left mine at home."  On second thought, forget it.  Your husband doesn't want you at his store, either.




The one thing all of these people have is common is the fact that if they have worked in retail they should know better.  I would love to be presumptuous like most of these people and go to different businesses thinking I can something for nothing because I, too, have had some experience doing what they do.  Can you imagine that?   At a restaurant:  "I've cooked food before so make me something not on the menu and give me a discount on it."  At a movie theatre:  "I have a friend who lives in Hollywood so  should be able to get into the movie for free."  The fact of the matter is that people should know better.  If you've done what I've done, don't give me reason to hate you for doing all those things that make me insane.  Just be a regular, nice customer who has had some insight into my world and have a little empathy for what I do.  Don't be 'that customer'.  And, if you are going to be 'that customer'  don't tell me that you've 'worked in retail,' because if you really have, you really wouldn't.

You would know better.