Do you work here?

Retail is a strange animal. It brings together a multitude of people from a varied background and mixes them together like a bartender making a martini. And I'm not talking about the employees. That's another story for another time. No I mean the patrons. Rich poor, middle class, doesn't matter. All these people will come to your store with the same notion in mind: I need something. And, rich, poor, middle class, doesn't matter, they all will ask you the same question when they meet you: "Do you work here?" Not all of them, mind you, but enough so that we've all heard it forty-two times a week. Now, we want to be civil and we understand that you don't know the varied and complex working of why we would wear a cheap piece of plastic with our name scrawled across it. No, that's not an accessory or one of my thirty-seven pieces of flair. It is a nametag and it clearly identifies me as an employee of the store. The following are some of the things I have always thought about saying when confronted with that question.

Customer: "Do you work here?"

1. No, I just like saying "Hi" to everyone as they come through the door.
2. Work is such a general word.
3. Yes, but I'm headed to lunch so take your question to someone else.
4. Not anymore, I just got fired.
5. Yes, but I'm only authorized to answer three questions a day so choose the next two carefully.
6. No, I just want to make sure everyone knows my name, that's why I were this nametag.
7. Here, no, I work over there.
8. Well they pay me but...
9. What tipped you off? Was it the nametag and fake smile?
10.Sure, why not?


Of course, I would never say anything like that to anyone. All I ask is for a little respect and courtesy when you want to ask your question. I'll take "Do you work here?" Over just walking up to me and saying the item you want. Because that might get this response:

Customer: "Paper plates?"
Me: "Paper plates is actually my brother, we do look alike, though."

And please don't tell me your life story. I know you're old and lonely and no one listens to you anymore but don't tell it to me. I don't care and it is not going to make the item magically appear if you just keep talking after I told you we don't have it anymore. Face it, time continued it's journey even though you refuse to admit it. Telling me, "I've always gotten it here." along wit a disgusted tone isn't going to change things. I don't have Bon Ami, I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault the company doesn't stock it anymore. Maybe when my name is up there in neon you can come in and we can try and bring back some of the classics like Frankenberry, wooden tennis rackets and lead-based toys with smaller removable choking hazards. I'll close with this:

Her: "Do you work here?"

Me: "Yes miss, I do."

Her: "I'm looking for a product you used to sell but I can't find it."

Me: "What is it?" I know I'm going to regret this

Her: "I used to get it here all the time but I can't find it now."

Me: "What is it?" Because I can't help you if you don't tell me

Her: "You used to have it right in the middle of the aisle. It was always right there."

Me: "You have to tell me what it is." Clearly we moved it when we saw you come in

Her: "You know, it's that thing that's used to clean things. It's yellow, or it might have been blue. Anyway you used to have it."


You can't make this up....