However, it got me to thinking about all the traditional wedding customs we know. Its another night where sleep eludes me (surprise, surprise), so I did some research. Now, I know what you're thinking, this motherfucker is going to rattle off everything he found out about weddings and make smarmy comments about them and probably some play on words and maybe even what a certain group of animals is called! Well, you're right. So if that's you stop reading now and go back to whatever it is you were doing. But before you go, please click on an advertiser and help me make a few bucks. C'mon, there's a Starbucks ad over there...everybody likes Starbucks.
Back in the day, marriage meant very little about true love and much more about gaining property and producing legitimate offspring. Too many bastards back then, I guess. The common phrase "lucky bastard" is a very colloquial Australian phrase. Meant as a term of endearment, it is an oxymoron at best. After all, we all know what a bastard is by definition, and that's not very lucky. But marriage was important because if you were a bastard you had no way to claim your father's property when the time came. Guess that made you an unlucky bastard, eventually making you a poor bastard. Ancient Greek fathers used to "pledge their daughter for the purpose of producing a legitimate offspring." However, married Greek men were free to satisfy their sexual urges with concubines and prostitutes, while their wives were required to stay home and tend to the household. If wives failed to produce offspring, their husbands could give them back and marry someone else. Imagine that?
"Hey, Mr. Popadopolus? Yeah, thanks for your daughter, but I'm kinda done playing with this toy. I think its broken. So, yeah, you can have her back."
The Anglo-Saxons brought more traditions to marriage. Lets start with the best man. We like to think of the best man as being the closest, male friend the groom has. A tried and trusted colleague who will stand by you through thick and thin. The phrase "through thick and thin" is one of the English language's older expressions. It is probably dates from the times when England was still a predominantly wooded country, with few roads and where animals grazed on what was mixed grass and forest. The phrase originated as "through thicket and thin wood", which was a straightforward literal description of any determined progress through the "thick" English countryside. I only mention it because the Anglo-Saxons were the early Englishmen and they should know. Back in those days, men sometimes captured women to make them their brides. A man would take along his strongest and most trusted friend to help him fight resistance from the woman's family. This friend, therefore, was considered the best man among his friends. It was also not uncommon for the bride's family and even former suitors to make a run at the bride to try and take her back. In Anglo-Saxon England, the best man accompanied the groom up the aisle to help defend the bride. The best man would stand on the right of the grooms, the bride would stand to the left of her groom so that his sword arm was free as well as his best man's.
"Watch out Harry, bride's uncle on your left!"
"I got him Walter, now get the ring and let's get the hell outta here!"
Wonder if they had time to hit the strip club beforehand?
Okay, but what about the bridesmaids? The bridal party is a tradition that has been established for many centuries. For a long time the purpose of the bridal party was to fool evil spirits. The bride's friends dressed similarly to her in order to confuse any spirits that might be lurking about. Today bridesmaids are there to support the bride in the stressful times during the wedding.
"Oh my God, I am sooooo fake happy for her."
And to make sure everyone was happy, the bride would toss her bouquet to the women in the crowd. The bride carries a bouquet as a symbol of fertility (remember, we don't want any bastards) which comes down to us today. Early bouquets were herbs and later orange blossoms. So why toss it away? Well, it all goes back to an earlier tradition that we don't use anymore. In the olden days, women at the wedding used to tear off pieces of the bride's dress (oh, there's the strip club part) in hopes that it would bring them luck. It sometimes turned violent and the groom and best man would have to step in a defend her. Although, I've seem some of these women at weddings. If I was a best man, I might hit the bar at that time. But at this point in the wedding, they were both probably drunk so the bride had to defend herself. To do so, she would throw the bouquet away from the onslaught of angry bitches trying to rip her dress apart. They would all flock to grab the bouquet and she would make her escape. Can you picture that today?
"Bitch! I paid $900 for this dress! Here, take these fuckin' flowers and go away! I don't even like oranges."
Anyway, those were some of the oddball things I learned. There were lots more, but these were the most intriguing to me. I think we should bring back some of these old traditions. Seeing a bunch of women trying to rip off the brides dress would be nothing short of hilarious. A fight breaking out between the groom and an old boyfriend would be amazing. And seeing a bridesmaid getting rip-roaring drunk and trying to...wait that still goes on today. I do like the one about tossing the bouquet. A bouquet is a group of pheasants. More than likely named because of their bright plumage. Good thing the bride tosses the bouquet at the reception and not the ceremony. Because then she'd have to toss it to the congregation. A congregation is a group of alligators...
Told you I'd get there...
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