From a very early age, we are told to always tell the truth. We learn from our family, our schooling, our faith, our society; telling the truth is the right thing to do. I understand that a small, dishonest statement to save someone's feelings is sometimes in order. Let's face it, there is no honest answer for: "Does this make me look fat?" Overall, however, honesty is the best policy. But, sometimes, just sometimes, people just decide not to tell the truth. Do you know who those people are?
People who want to return something.
Not everyone, mind you. No, just the assholes who are done using something and have decided to return it for a full refund because they are done with it. Now, I'm not talking about the people who have no receipt and are trying to find a way to get an exchange for an item I don't sell because they think they are entitled to one. Nor am I talking about the people who just stole something off my sales floor and are trying to return it like they bought it honestly. No, those two groups of fucktards are way different than the liars I'm talking of. The people I have in mind have their receipt, have the box, have even repackaged the product. However, instead of saying that they just don't want their glorious purchase, or admitting they have buyer's remorse, they feel compelled to make up some bullshit story about why they need to return it. Or, better yet, that they never even used it! Let's start with this one:
Her: "I need to return this coffeemaker."
Me: "Ok, miss, is there anything wrong with it?"
Her: "No, I never even opened it."
Me: "You didn't open it?" Noticing the box clearly has been opened.
Her: "No, see, here's my receipt." She starts to get anxious...this'll be fun.
Me: "No problem, miss, I just need to check it."
Her: "For what? I told you I didn't even open it." She gets a little more nervous.
Me: "I just need to make sure everything is correct. You understand don't you?" I start to open the box.
Her: "No, I don't understand. I told you I DIDN'T open it!" Right about now she's acting like the guy in the movie MIDNIGHT EXPRESS just before they find the dope on him.
And this is why: As I open the box, there is still coffee residue in the carafe and the box completely reeks of coffee. Not to mention it's wet.
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry miss, this appears to have been used."
Her: "What? Oh, my husband must've used it without telling me!" Of course he did.
You know what would have made this transaction a lot easier? Telling the truth. I mean, if she had just come up the counter and said, "I don't like this, can I have my money back?" I wouldn't have even batted an eyelash. I seriously do not care if or why you want to return something. I do care that you think I'm an idiot who won't see through your thinly-veiled attempt to make me think it is somehow my fault that you no longer want your item.
It's bad enough that people feel they need to lie about something they want to return, but it is downright deplorable the stories they make up so that they can get a discount. There are all kinds of legitimate ways to get a discount. Coupons are the easiest. Lots of people clip coupons and use them to save a little scratch. Little effort; big reward. Think about it, knowing how to use a pair of scissors (real scissors, mind you, not those left handed fuckers with the green plastic on them) can keep money in your pocket. Shopping for items on sale is another great way to save some money. Forget scissors, the only skill you need to accomplish this is knowing how to read.
But, there is a large group of people who frequent retail establishments who neither have the wherewithal to read or the manual dexterity to clip coupons. No, their great skill is being a total asshole and just asking you for money off a regular priced item. I'm not talking about the people who want to offer you two live chickens and some bits of string in exchange for goods and services. No, those people are different. I'm talking about the people who want to lie to you and hope that you believe their bullshit story so that they can get a huge discount on their purchase. I like to call these people "the discounters" because I like to discount their story (see what I did there?). There are many retailers who offer discounts. Senior citizen discounts, military discounts, student discounts, club member discounts, the list goes on and on. The discounters, however, do not qualify for any regularly advertised discount. Instead, they make up a discount and expect you to adhere to it because why shouldn't I drop the price by 80% just because you say so. I have heard people ask for lots of discounts in my day, but I will tell you about the three best, ever.
1. I have cancer.
Her: "Hi, I know this is awkward, but I have stage 3 cancer and my medicine is very expensive, so is there any way I could get a discount on my purchase?"
Okay, pull at the heartstring. I get it. And, I might have been inclined to acquiesces and give her a discount if she hadn't been buying a set of golf clubs and balls, three new designer golf shirts and various other items. It takes some serious stones to make up something like that
Me: "Unfortunately, ma'am, I don't offer a discount like that." I can tell that isn't going to go over well.
Her: "Well, I wanted to get some things for my husband, but I guess I won't now!" Yeah, I'm sure your husband would've loved the new ladies Under Armor shirts, I hear they support the bust pretty well.
I know what you're thinking: how do you know she was lying? I don't. But based on the evidence given to me, I'm going with that it was a lie. Besides, I hope to God that someone with stage 3 cancer would have more morals than to ask for a discount on her new golf clubs.
2. I'm a tourist.
Him: "Hi, I'm traveling from outside the country and I'd like my tourist discount please."
What in the fuck is a tourist discount?
Me: ?
This one actually happened to a coworker of mine. She very politely told him that we don't offer a military discount to our own citizens, so why would we offer a tourist discount to someone from abroad? I'll just go back to the above statement:
What in the fuck is a tourist discount?
And, finally, we come to the best one of all. This one is 100% true and I have a witness to it. So get ready for:
3. I'm retarded.
Her: "I need a scale, but they cost so much. Which are the cheapest?"
Me: "Well, I have several that start at $20."
Her: "Do you have any for around $5?"
Me: "Unfortunately, I don't. The least expensive ones that I have are $20."
Her: "Well, could I get one for $5 because I don't have much money and I have the mental retardation."
Yup, you read it. THE MENTAL RETARDATION. That's exactly what she called it and she was very sincere.
Me: "I'm sorry miss, I can't give a discount for something like that." I really wasn't sure what to say.
Her: "Are you sure, because I have the mental retardation." Again with that phrase. At that moment one of my associates came by and I quickly pitched the customer to her.
Me: "I'm sure but Julie here will be happy to help you find one of the scales I spoke about." Julie had heard the conversation and looked at me like I just stuck a needle in her eye. Luckily, the customer decided to leave on a high note.
Her: "That's ok, thank you anyway. God bless. GOD BLESS YOU!"
God has truly blessed me.
God gave me a job in retail.
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