Let me clarify this: you should never bring a kid shopping if either your kid or yourself is an asshole. By, "asshole kid", I mean the kind of kid that runs around my store screaming that they want something, need something, have to pee, or just plain scream. And, by default, if you have an "asshole kid", you are usually an "asshole parent". That is the parent who ignores asshole kid while they yell and scream and knock down expensive items causing them to crash to the ground. To make things easier, we will, heretofore, refer to these two groups as AK and AP.
We all know who the AK is right? It's the kid that is constantly away from their parent, yelling, screaming, and knocking stuff down. They pick up product and drop it to the floor. They open packages like they own them. They spill their little snack or drink cup all over the place. They climb all over the fixtures. If there are two of them together (please, God, no) they play hide and seek all throughout the store. They annoy other customers by being precocious and feeling the need to talk to them and ask them questions like they're long lost friends. Have I missed anything? You get the idea. I understand if this sounds harsh, but I have seen way too much of this in my years as a retailer. And, please, don't get offended if your kid has run around yelling and screaming and I look at you with disdain. I know that all kids can be unruly at one time or another. I have sympathy that for the fact that, once in a while, kids get out of hand. Hey, shit happens. That doesn't, necessarily, put you in the AP category. No, you hit the AP category when you ALLOW your AK to run, scream, throw, break, destroy, rape and pillage my store, all while you continue to shop as though they weren't there.
Do you know what will put you higher on the AP list? Losing your child in my store and blaming them when they can't find you. They're children for Christsake, it's your job to watch them not theirs. It sure as hell isn't mine. I have worked in a multitude of different retail establishments and a child has gotten lost in almost every one of them. The majority of parents are really concerned when a child is lost. It is a very scary situation. But guess who isn't all that concerned. That's right, the AP. They let their kid wander away in a 52,000 square foot store and have no clue or care where they are. Most of these kids are young (under 6). Why not just put a sign on them that says "steal me"? These are the kids who, eventually, can't find their AP and get scared. Often, another customer will find them and flag me down. It then becomes my responsibility to find the AP. Often the response goes like this:
AP: "I told you not to wander away."
Kid: (Begins to cry) "I'm sorry."
AP: "You should be, what if someone had taken you? Now stop crying, Mommy wants to look at new yoga pants."
Really??! That's your takeaway from this? It's the kid's fault that you're a neglectful pile of amphibian shit. Great life lesson for the kid: Just ignore your responsibilities and when someone else takes charge pass the blame so that you look like the hero. Overall, however, the AP and the AK are two separate entities. It's when the AP has an AK in tow that the real trouble can start. You see, an AK can be unruly and troublesome, but when they have an AP this is a pair that can beat a full house any day. It usually starts with the AK taking off and running through the store knocking things down. Then, the AK manages to get out of eyeshot from the AP. The AP then continues shopping, but shouts the name of the AK to come back, even though the AK has no intention of returning, and the AP could give a fuck if he does. The two of them just continue to shout and scream and shout and scream and shout and scream.
On the other hand, I could take the shouting and screaming. I could put up with the broken product and almost-missing child. I could get over all of it, as long as there were no....bodily function malfunctions. You see, if have been in several situations where an AP has an AK who has just juiced up on three cans of Mountain Dew and a giant-sized Kit Kat bar, when they realize that they need to pee. The kid will start jumping around and making all kinds of noise about needing a bathroom before the AP decides to acknowledge it. The response usually comes like this:
AP: (continuing to shop) "Do you need the bathroom?"
AK: "YYYYEEEESSS!!!!"
AP: "Well can you wait until we come around this aisle, I just want to look at something."
MOTHERFUCKER! This kid is about to wet his pants and you want to continue to shop. Take him to the Goddamn bathroom, I assure you the same stuff will be here when you get out. But, no, you continue to shop and little Johnny sonofabitch pisses himself right in the middle of my store. Now, not only do we have to clean the store, we have to clean up pee. Thank you, thank you so much.
But that is still not the bottom of the abyss of neglectful parenting. No, I have one more delightful anecdote to relay to you. It will never cease to amaze me that, sometimes, people confuse a dressing room with a toilet. I understand that we all have to go, but really, in a dressing room? And, I'm not talking about pee. No sir, that would be too easy. Yes, people (I am assuming children because the alternative is just painful) have pooped in a dressing room in my store. This has happened three times in my career. Three times too many by my count. And, I don't understand what people were thinking. I mean, when you sat on that little bench, there was no hole in it. Where did you think the poop was going to go? I understand the two dogpiles I have found in the corner, but on the bench? That is just too much for me.
So if you're an AP, don't bring your kid shopping. If you have an AK, please leave them at home. If you are the AP of an AK, stay way the fuck out of my store. And, if you have to poop, find a toilet, not a dressing room.
That is all...
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