Giving an Interview or "How to prove you're stupid"

Being in this business a long time, I have had the opportunity to interview many different people from a multitude of backgrounds. Lots of people have a different approach as to how they are going to make the interview work in their favor. Sometimes, people study their resume and practice different answers to questions that might arise in the interview process. Some opt for the open approach of letting the interviewer ask the questions and giving short direct answers. Many people like to try the method of honestly answering every question to the best of their abilities and hoping this lands them in good favor. And then there are others prefer to "wing it." Those are my favorite. These dumbasses are unfamiliar with their resume, they have not taken into account for the gaps in their work history, nor do they have a plausible explanation for any red flag that may pop up on their application. They just walked into an interview and figured, "What's the worst that can happen?" I'll tell you what the worst is...they could be interviewed by me.

Let's begin like this. I have read the application. As you may, or may not, recall (doesn't matter) the application is the watermark to see if you're stupid. First, if you haven't read your own application, then you are stupid. Because, I am going to see all those little nuances on that piece of paper and I am going to attack them just to see what will happen. Now, if you aren't stupid you might have an answer to put me back in my place. But you probably are so you don't have an answer. That's where the fun begins...

Me: "So why did you leave your last job?"

Him: "I wasn't getting enough hours."

Me: "And you've been out of work for six months now?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "So you thought no hours was better than the some you were getting."

Him: "Well, I was only getting like 18 a week."

Me: "And now you get zero."

Him: "Well, I told my boss that I needed more but he didnt give me any."

Me: "Guess you showed him."

This scenario occurs more times than I can recall.

This one is good too:


Me: "So what did you do at your last job?"

Her: "Everything." (remember, this is the short direct approach)

Me: "Everything?" (ok, here's you chance to try again)

Her: "Yup, everything." (sticking to your guns I see. Well try this.)

Me: "So if you weren't there the place was closed?" (her face goes pale)

Her: "Uhhh..." (playtime over; time to let her off the hook)

Me: "What I'm asking is: what did you do there?" (that was nice of me)

Her: "I did everything." (right back on the hook)


And, please Jesus, don't ever tell me this:

Me: "So what did you do at your last job?"

Him: "Not much, that's why I got fired."

My head hurts....