Job Applications

I've recently been interviewing new applicants. Although the majority of interviews are straightforward, there are many that are ten different kinds of wrong. The job application is the water test to see if your stupid. If you can't follow the directions on that simple piece of paper then you sure as fuck won't be able to take directions from me. When filling these out there are people that just don't know how badly they could fuck up their chances at landing a job just by being a blithering moron. If there is a spot on the application for your email address leave it blank. No one is going to contact you via email. If you feel compelled to write something there, please make sure it is your name or some variation thereof. Get a Gmail or Hotmail or Yahoo account. They're free and usually you can make your name and a series of numbers your email address. You know what you shouldn't do? Enter an email address of NOFATCHICKS@, ILIKEMETH@ or my all time favorite PLZCUMONME@. Now, any of these applications could have been terrific. And, who knows, I mght have passed n a great employee. But, if you don't have the filter to know the PLZCUMONME is an inappropriate thing to write on a legal document, then you were probably an accident waiting to happen. Also, know how to spell. If you don't know how to spell, have someone check it for you and avoid a situation like this:

Me: "Tell me about your last job."

Him: "Well, I spent the last ten years as a night watchman at a warehouse."

Me: "A warehouse?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "Oh, because you wrote whorehouse."

Him: "I did?"

Me: "Yes, and you were there for ten years?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "Think you would've learned to spell it in that time."

He didin't get the job. Another great one is the "reason for leaving" line. Don't write: "My boss was a moron." Maybe he was, but find a better way to explain that to me. And definitely don't write it as the reason for your other two jobs also! Another great one: "I was fired." And you probably will be here too dumbass.

Me: "So all three of your previous bosses were 'stupid' as you say."

Him: "Yes."

Me: "So, if I can ask, why were you fired from job number 4?"

Him: "My boss was a wicked jerk to me."

Me: "And that makes four."

Him: "Well, let me explain..."

Me: "No, that's ok. I'm not really interested in becoming fifth on the list."

And they wonder why they're unemployed...