Supermarket Follies

Being in retail for so many years has given me an appreciation for those who also work in this venue. I can sense when someone is having a bad day or has just had a bad encounter with a customer. I can also sense when someone is going to take out their bad day on me. Now, I know that it can be difficult to mask your emotions when you are upset. Not everyone is Mr. Spock and can push those emotions down into a dark, tightly filled jar that is ready to explode at any given time but doesn't, because..."the customer is always right." Those of you laughing read my last entry. Those of you who aren't, go back and read my last entry and get with the fucking program. You're supposed to read these in order as they build on one another, dumbass. Sorry, the cover of the jar slipped open a bit. Won't happen again. At least not soon. I have sympathy for these people, but no sympathy when they decide I will get the sharp side of their tongue. First of all, A). you have never met someone as smarmy as me. And, B). see A).

Into the grocery store I go with a return of an item that just didn't taste right. I know its not their fault, but with everything else, I shouldn't have to pay for it if it isn't right. The girl at the counter is having one of the aforementioned days. To ease her pain, I stepped up to the counter and said,

"I'd like to return these. I just didn't like them. Here's my receipt."

This was the obvious breaking point for her. She stopped, looked me scathingly up and down several times, and sighed like I had just asked her to blow me. (sidebar: If you walk up to the customer service desk at a grocery store and ask them to blow you, someone will hit you in the side of the head with a very heavy object. Don't ask me how I know.)

"How about 'Hello'?" she said, "Could we start with hello?"

Ok, sunshine, your store, "Hello," I started. "I'd like to return these. I just didn't like them. Here's my receipt."

Another sigh. "Yeah, I'll do that, but..." (Fuck me, here it comes) "...all you have to do is be nice about it."

Ok, at this point, I should probably let it go, but the point of the matter is that I was being nice about it. It's not like I said something off color, gave tremendous attitude about how terrible her store was or even stuck my finger down my throat and puked up that which I had already eaten.

"I thought I was being nice. I'm sorry I didn't say hello, that was wrong of me so let's start again. Hello, I'd like to return these. I just didn't like them. Here's my receipt."

This attempt at smoothing away an unpleasant situation through the medium of sarcasm was quickly going nowhere.

She started with, "You know..."

To which I quickly stopped with a big 'ol fuck you of, "No, YOU know that all you have to do is process this return. Give me back my money, drop the attitude and I walk away. So how's about we forget all the niceties and get on with this transaction and the rest of our lives."

Taken aback, her retort came quickly, "Anything wrong with them?"

Motherfucker! Have you not been listening to me?!

"I just didn't like them."

"But there's nothing wrong with the package?"

"No."

"Because if there was something wrong with the package I'd have to send you to another line." A quiet smile came over her face. I recognized this as an attempt to make a funny to calm a situation that she had escalated. This is something we call "smoothing it over." So, as she smoothed it over I continued to look at her in silence. The time for smoothing had passed.

"You know," she said, "you could laugh."

"I would laugh if I heard something funny."

Accepting she had met her match she went on with the transaction. Someone in the back of her brain had obviously showed up late for the party, but got there in just enough time to remind her to shut up and smile. And, at the last possible second, she said, "Sorry for all that before, I'm just having a bad day. You're pretty funny. I like you"


I can accept when someone comes to the epiphany that they should have realized moments earlier. I can also accept when someone tries to make a wrong a right. And far be it from me to ruin that moment. So, I processed everything she had to say. Looked her straight in the eye and said,

"It's not a mutual feeling."