The biggest little state in the union has the biggest case of little man syndrome ever seen. Just look at their name: The State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. That is the biggest name of any state in our nation. Rhode Island is the smallest state in size in the United States. There are a lot of things in Rhode Island that try to make up for it's small stature. The dome over the capital building is the third largest free-standing dome in the world. Standing 11 feet tall and 278 feet above ground the Independent Man is a gold-covered, bronze statue placed atop the State House on December 18, 1899. The world's largest bug is on the roof of New England Pest Control in Providence. It's a big blue termite, 58 feet long and 928 times actual termite size. The Foxy Lady is home to the largest...egg buffet in the central part of the state.
There are lots of famous people from Rhode Island. James Woods is from Warwick. The Farrelly brothers are from Cumberland. Ruth Buzzi is from Westerly. Marilyn Chambers (yes, THAT Marilyn Chambers) is from Providence. I've never heard any of them speak with a Rhode Island accent, but I've often wondered if they say things like other Rhode Islanders. For example: Is James Woods' couch NiRoPe? Has Ruth Buzzi ever made a packy run? Has Marilyn Chambers ever had a gagga in her mouth? Ok, that was unfair, a gagga is a small hot dog with a natural casing, slathered in mustard, meat sauce, chopped onions, and celery salt, and served in a steamed bun. Not what you thought. Oh, it gets better. A "spa" is a convenience store. "Elastics" are rubber bands. And the very bottom of your house is the "down cella".
As if that wasn't strange enough, there are a bunch of laws that were made up by someone who got pissed about something. Impersonating a town sealer, auctioneer, corder of wood, or a fence-viewer is against the law. Why would anyone want to impersonate one of those? And what the hell is a "fence-viewer"? Although I'm sure this has been in place since the first two Portagees stumbled off a boat onto dry land and went looking for some sweet bread. It probably went like this:
RI Guy 1: "Hello, I am an auctioneer, my friend here is a town sealer please give us some coffee milk at no charge."
Spa Owner: "Do you have identification?"
RI Guy 2: "No, but we also moonlight as a wood-corder and a fence-viewer so fetch us some hot weiners and pizza strips to go with that."
Spa Owner: "Shut up. De boatayuz."
Just as an aside De boatayuz is more than one and less than three.
In Newport, you can't smoke a pipe after sunset. In Providence, you may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday; you also can't wear transparent clothing. Which sucks for the Newport guy who was driving to Providence Place mall to get a toothbrush so he could brush his teeth after his pipe at sunset.
Newport Guy: "Please, I just need a toothbrush."
Spa Owner: "Sorry sir, you already bought the toothpaste. Come back next week. Oh and please put on some opaque clothing, the cops are out in force tonight."
But this one is my favorite: Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void. Yup, you read it. Don't belive me? Google it. Now, it would seem to me that if anyone enforced this particular law, the amount of idiots born into the world would have greatly decreased and we wouldn't need so many of the other laws listed. Because you know these laws were put on the books because some idiot did it. And, somewhere along the way, some other idiot said, "You know, there should be a law." Like this one: No one may bite off another's leg. I guess the arm is still in play. How about cap guns are illegal in the state of Rhode Island. Fair enough. But what about: rope may not be strung across a highway. Who would do that anyway? I know, the guy trying to enforce this law: Riding a horse over any public highway for the purpose of racing, or testing the speed of the horse is illegal. He probably figured he could stop the horse when it tripped over the rope.
The state of Rhode Island covers an area of 1,214 square miles. Its distances North to South are 48 miles and East to West 37 miles. It has some of the weirdest named towns ever. Some are easy to say; others, not so much. Woonsocket. Pawtucket. Quonochontaug. Hog Island. Misquamicut. Scituate. Onleyville. You get the point. So if you get lost, just ask for directions. It'll go like this:
RI Guy: "OK, get on 95, then get off down city. Ya gonna make a left. Go all the way down til you see that empty lot where the Benny's used to be. Hang a right. Keep driving til you see that place what used to be a Texaco. Make ya next left. Go past like 40 lights and take a right. Ya gonna see all the triple deckas all side by each. You know where Joey's boy "Boots" used ta live. Well, not that one but the one two ova from that one. Make a left there and then stop. You'll be good."
RI Girl: "Boots didn't live there, he lived in Federal."
RI Guy: "CALM YA LIVER! I'M TELLIN HIM WHERE TA GO!"
But, you know, Rhode Island never ratified the 18th Amendment prohibition.
So they got that going for them.
Which is nice.
By the way, there's no school in Foster-Gloster tomorrow
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